


The Real Reason The Company Left Rivendell in a Hurry.

by Mawgon



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:45:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mawgon/pseuds/Mawgon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elves don't understand rape jokes. And don't like them, either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Real Reason The Company Left Rivendell in a Hurry.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt from Hobbit Kink Meme: Elves and rape jokes. ( http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/14338.html?thread=25696770#t25696770 )
> 
> The prompt:  
> \------------------------------------------------------  
> So, except for the nebulous case of Eol, elves do not rape ever.
> 
> Given that, I'd like to see an elf react to hearing a rape joke. Like, do the elves not get it at all? Or are they super scandalized and upset? And do the people telling the joke not even realize what they're actually saying until the elf asks for an explanation? And how do they feel once it's pointed out?  
> Serious or cracky is fine.
> 
> +10000 if the joke is less overt (don't drop the soap, etc.)  
> +100000000 if the person telling the joke is a dwarf or hobbit rather than a human  
> _______________________________________________________________

After supper, Kíli decided to stay with Elrond and the other elves. If they were not going to send him away, there was no reason to leave, and maybe he could bed one of those pretty elf-maidens if he stuck around them longer. 

When instead, he found himself surrounded by elves he was pretty sure were male, he decided to make the best of it and brag about his conquests instead of making new ones. He had not had the opportunity to boast for quite some time now, as Thorin insisted that they act ‘respectable’ while the hobbit was present, which was more or less always. 

The elves were good listeners, for the most part, not interrupting him. 

“And those human women are not repulsed by your ... short-comings?” one elf asked in an innocent voice. 

Half-suppressed laughter all around him. Kíli ground his teeth. He would show them! “What shortcomings? I’m long enough, if you know what I mean.”

“I should rather doubt that human women are attracted to dwarves”, another elf said. 

“They are. Besides, one can always help things along a little, eh?”

“Excuse me?” The elf who had spoken last raised his eyebrows. 

“You know. More wine. Or some of those handy herbs.” He nudged the elf sitting next to him with his elbow. They could not be that slow-witted!

“I am afraid I still do not understand. Would you care to elaborate?” This was Elrond, one of the few elves Kíli recognized. 

“Well, you know, you slip them something into their goblet ... if they’re asleep they can’t say no.” Elves. No sense of humour. This was not fun anymore, having to explain his jokes!

“Are you meaning to say that ... you put sleep inducing herbs into their food and ... fornicate with them while they are asleep?” The elf playing the harp asked. 

“Yes! You got it! Are all elves that dim?”

 

The next thing Kíli knew was that someone was strangling him. With a harp string. 

“Lindir! He is our guest!” Elrond said in a steely voice. 

The string loosened a bit and Kíli gasped for air. “My Lord Elrond ...” the elf began.

“Yes. I heard what he said. Still, he is our guest. Escort him to their room. The dwarves are to leave before sunrise.”

Elves gathered around Elrond as if to protect him from some invader. Someone handed him a goblet of wine. They all were talking in the elven tongue, all addressing Elrond. 

“What is the meaning of this?” Kíli demanded while two elves dragged him along the hallways. “Come on, just because I called you dim-witted ... which, besides, you obviously are ...”

None of the elves deigned to answer. When they had arrived at their destination, they opened the door, threw Kíli inside and closed it behind him. 

He scrambled to his feet, well aware that everyone, including uncle Thorin, was staring at him. 

Bilbo was the first to regain his composure. “What happened?” 

“I might have been a bit rude ...”

Thorin stared at him. “That was it. I knew we couldn’t trust the elves. We are leaving before sunrise. Someone go fetch Gandalf.”


End file.
